Finally went to the Social Security office a few weeks back. It was the first step to legally restoring my maiden name. I took something to read anticipating a long wait, but my number was called in less than 30 minutes. Moments later, the gentleman at window number one slid my driver’s license and divorce judgment back to me and said that my new social security card would arrive within two weeks.
And there it was.
In less than 30 minutes my maiden name was restored. That’s just about how long it took for me to take on my ex-husband’s name initially when we got married at the Alameda County courthouse. This time though, instead of well wishes and smiles as we left the courthouse, I experienced a quick, cold, and impersonal process to give back a name I so willingly embraced only several years prior.
The divorce has been final for quite some time and we were separated long before that, yet I still had pangs of pain at hearing that it was done; my name restored. Anyone who says that divorce is easy must be very detached from the process. Maybe you have to be. I haven’t been detached from any of this process…though I have longed to be–prayed to be–begged to be. They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger and no, I didn’t die a physical death but in the wake of my divorce there was certainly a death. The relationship died. And the me I was in that relationship died. I mourned the first and rejoice over the second.
Mourning the death of the relationship is over except when I am tying up loose ends like this that I have been putting off. After I left the social security office I realized how much I had procrastinated about this task. Based on the blow that killed the marriage, I should have practically ran people over with my car trying to get over to that office and reclaim my maiden name before the ink was dry on the divorce judgment, but I didn’t. In the months following the arrival of the final divorce decree, I told myself it was too inconvenient–who has time to sit for hours at the social security office (DMV office, etc.) and wait? It wasn’t that I had hope of reconciliation, but rather finalizing the smaller matters were just reminders of a relationship gone south–way south.
No one can ever explain to you the depth of pain you will feel at the severing of a marriage. And it doesn’t matter whether you are the petitioner or the respondent–each side feels some level of pain–albeit in varying degrees. It is a very literal tearing apart. Two people vowed to work through everything, for better or for worse and at least in my case, clearly that promise would not be met.
Obviously, I reclaimed my name (and symbolically my life) long before my visit to the social security office–that was just a formality. Looking at it now, the procrastination to finish these details was possibly symbolic of my whole journey in and through the divorce. I had invested my whole self (the good, the bad, and yes, the ugly) in joining myself to another person. It was difficult for me to adjust to the loss. We give all, risk all, and sometimes…lose all but I am so glad I gave my whole heart to my then husband and to the relationship. I know now that my capacity to love goes deep and I am a better, stronger, and more compassionate person today for having gone through every part of that relationship from happy, hopeful, beginning to sad end; and I am greateful for every moment–I can say that now. Truly the saying that, it’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all rings true for me.
Would I have liked for the lessons to be less painful and the journey less bumpy? Heck yeah! But that’s not how my story was to go. And for me, the revelation is that before I ever took on my ex-hubands name I took on my heavenly Father’s name. So while I did have to reclaim my earthly maiden name, I am humbled by the fact that I never lost or had to reclaim my heavenly name or status in His kingdom. What I went through and experienced was painful beyond anything I could have imagined, but I know for certain that God was right there with me. I would not be the me I am now, healed and working toward wholeness, if it had not been for the grace, wisdom, and unconditional love of my Father.
So what’s in a name? Everything if it’s the right name. For me, the name and mark of my Heavely Father on my life has meant everything.
D.